who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
