Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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