It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
