I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
