Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize