dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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