Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
