He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
