I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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