So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
