I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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