Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
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