Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
