Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize