literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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