you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
