I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Randomize
