You work out of a Hotel?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
