I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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