Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
3pm strippers are depressing
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
