You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
