Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
