if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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