if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
