i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
