So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
