When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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