The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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