Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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