I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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