Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
