I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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