My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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