It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
