I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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