The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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