I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
