there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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