I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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