Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize