My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
