Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
