Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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