It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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