remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
