i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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