btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
