i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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