The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
