There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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