Don't make out with my wife yet
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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