Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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