is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
