Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
