saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
