dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
