party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
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