Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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