Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
