I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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